Now For Something Completely Different

Alright guys, I’m going to have to apologize in advance: this post has nothing to do with nature, Costa Rica, snakes, ants, or even animals at all. In fact, it’s totally unrelated and self-indulgent. And also a little meta. But I simply have to do this–I have to post about some of the spam comments I’m getting on this site.

Whether they be spambots, Russian hackers, Nigerian princes, or rogue AI, there is no way I can ever intentionally write comedy like this. It’s the bizarre context. It’s the unapologetic irreverence. It’s the mistranslations and spelling errors.

Just indulge me here. And check this out:

(Also, a brief note: to prevent some kind of positive feedback where these trolls reverse-search themselves, I’m going to screw with them by inserting the names of weird animals into the names)

I was recommended this website by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my problem. You are amazing!
–Lippenschutz Honey Badger für Baritonsaxofonisten

I get a lot of ones along these lines. Obscure, vague sentiments thanking me without ever actually referencing the content. Obviously, now, these are spambots either poorly translated or–more likely–autocompleted by an algorithm trolling comment sections by the millions for clicks. But I like to think that somewhere in Germany a saxophone player is plagued by giant snakes, and my blurry photograph of a viper was his salvation.

Hello to you my friend! I have been unjustly imprisoned after our most recent accomplishments together and require your assistance for to further release. Remember our adventures?

–URL Crested Gecko Green

Ok, this may sound crazy, but there is a chance that this is actually someone I know. In which case…sorry for making fun of you?

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Not much to go on here, but I like how it’s straight and to the point. Also, the name was just alphanumeric gibberish.

This excellent website certainly has all the information and facts I needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
–hemp(Chinchilla)strong

Again, another vague thank-you, but the surprise here is that it’s actually fully coherent. Is this a real person for once? If so, why are this comment attached to an image of a drunk monkey. Oh, wait–I just read the name and it makes perfect sense.

Hello everyone! I am asking for a friend

–Fastbom Hoatzin Electronics

For this one I try to imagine what cut this guy off mid-post. Was his friend right behind him the whole time? How embarrassing was the question that he couldn’t even post it anonymously?

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Again? Is someone really so desperate to move some antibiotics that they’re resorting to spam, but not enough to use an actual named website? Who buys medicine from a spambot?

I came across this website and am glad I did. Your content would be very popular in China and you could reach millions. Ever thought of visit? Your house is ready and we are watching.

–Jerry Monkfish Han Pillbug TXI

I just love how this message goes from friendly to pushy to outright threatening in only four sentences. That’s how your write a character arc, folks. Also this too might be someone I actually know. I’ve made some weird friends over the years.

This post presents ckear iea designed for the new users of blogging, that really how to do blogging.
–fiber optic variable attenuator

First off, I didn’t add anything to that name. That is seriously the full thing, untouched. Hats off to whatever autocomplete AI spat that out. Also because it managed to type a fully phonetic hiccup. Man, computers have come a long way.

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Ok, serisously what the hell? Does this thing really think I need Amoxicillin that bad? Do I check some kind of box in their algorithm? I mean, I do live in the jungle, but still.

This next one here I’m not going to write out, because it’s a link to online poker followed by eight bloody pages of text describing Texas Hold-Em. Eight. I copied it and counted. It even goes into detail on strategy and gambling habits.

Fantastic solutions of your stuff, mankind. I’ve grasp your personal things ahead of and you are also just simply quite breathtaking.
I simply for example what you may have acquired in this article, appreciate what
you really are expressing and ways in which in places you
express it. You get the application amusing and you still
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–Instagram Sea Cucumber Social

I take back what I said. This isn’t comedy. It’s poetry. Look at that, it’s practically freeform. A bot wrote this based off algorithms? I think we’ve hit the singularity, folks. Machines can make art. This is goddamn transcendental.

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I take it back.

Sorry for the tangent. If no one else found this as funny as I did, no worries–I’ll be back to posting about snakes and ants soon. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take some antibiotics and play some poker. I know all the tricks now.

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